Relationships with Self and Others

 This week information was released linking mental health concerns with social media. If you are anything like me this is something you have already noticed and expressed concern regarding. 

The Wall Street Journal had an article this week with the title "Facebook knows Instagram is Toxic to Teen Girls.." Don't be mislead and think it only applies to girls, the article states that the studies show boys are affected too.

23% of girls report that when they feel bad about themselves, Instagram has made them feel worse. 14% of boys also report this same feeling.

We unfortunately cannot simply tell our children to ignore social media. They will not and it is unrealistic to think that they will. That doesn't mean the situation is hopeless. We can equip our children and ourselves with emotional support and understanding.

Mindfulness is a great way to practice self-care, self-acceptance, and self-understanding. When we practice mindfulness we learn to accept the present moment as it is, without judgment. The study on Instagram and mental health presented us with the information that teens (and preteens) are stressed about finding the perfect picture, to show the perfect them. These girls and boys judge themselves based on how others look in photos posted.

Taking time to share a mindful moment with your student could help build resilience, self-love, and a sense that they do not have to be perfect and can accept each moment and themselves, as is. 

A great mindfulness is Metta Loving-Kindness. Sending well wishes toward ourselves (and others). Another  great mindful practice to address and combat this concern is, gratitude. Daily taking time to list at least three things we are grateful for can boost our mood, help us look for the good in each day, and create a deeper connection with those with whom we are grateful

After nearly a year and a half of students learning from a computer it can be a challenge to move away from a screen and build meaningful interpersonal relationships. Before our students can build relationships with others it is important for them to build relationships with themselves. Relationships which are healthy and positive. Mindfulness can and will help. 

If you feel your student is struggling with friendships, self-acceptance, or anything else which concerns you, please reach out.

Pamela McKenzie, Behavior Specialist, 55.pmckenzie@nhaschools.com

Why Mindfulness Important to Students.

 This morning when I googled "finding clam in the chaos" the first thing Google gave me was "Meditation."

The idea of meditation can feel too spiritual, too touchy-feely, too different. In stead of meditation some like to say, "centering thoughts" or " entering a calm space." 

Mindfulness is about finding that inner calm which will allow great attention to the present. As we start this new school year our hope is that each student will find the calm inner space to have the attention to learn.

Mindfulness is a way of self regulating emotions, the pleasant and unpleasant. If a student it too hyper they will not focus on a lesson. If a student is too tired they will struggle with focus and attention. When a feeling takes over the attention of the brain, the emotion center turns off the attention and memory centers of the brain.

As we start school our students learn about the brain and how it works. They learn that the Amygdala is their emotion center and it the part of the brain responsible for "fight, flight, freeze, or faint." They also learn that the memory part of the brain is the Hippocampus. When the Amygdala is firing, and a student is feeling a strong emotion, the Hippocampus is turned off. The brain will not activate the memory when emotions are in control. Students then learn that by taking deep breaths and practicing mindfulness they can wake up the Prefrontal Cortex. This part of the brain is responsible for wise choices. This part of the brain talks to the Hippocampus to help make wise choices and enact memory. When the Amygdala is activated the Prefrontal Cortex will not operate.

Mindfulness is key to helping all of us activate the parts of the brain which are needed for learning and memory.

Welcome Back

 

Welcome Back to School. Let's get the 2021-2022 year started right! 

Take a deep breath. Send your student some loving-kindness as you wish them luck on their first day. Don't forget to send yourself some loving-kindness. Remember, you got up early too, you got your student to school, and you cheered them on as they entered the building to start another year of learning and success! 

Mindfulness is being present and aware. As we begin again, take time to be present in each moment. Remember, there are no "right" or "wrong" feelings, we need to accept what we feel, figure out where it is coming from, and then embrace the helpful and release the hurtful.

This year my goal is to send this blog out at least once a month, hopefully more! I will review previously share mindfulness, social emotional learning, and shared student-family support. I will continue my personal journey of continued mindfulness education to provide you with new and helpful tips and resources. As always, please feel free to leave comments or contact me. Working as partners in education is the best way for your student and your family to thrive. 

Pamela McKenzie, Achievement and Behavior Support Specialist, 55.pmckenzie@nhaschools.com

Preparing for a Mindful Self- Care Summer

 Preparing for summer is fun for students and at times stressful for adults. Parents may still be working and need to find child care. Parents may be home and used to a routine and not sure what to have children do all day.

Mindfully preparing for your summer vacation can help alleviate stress and anxiety. Take a deep breath, you've got this.

In this blog I wanted to share some summer success tips. If you are a an easy going parent and your kids are easy going...go easy and enjoy. If you would like a little more structure and routine take a look. 

Start with routine. Just because no alarms are set for school doesn't mean they still can't be set. If you have a schedule to keep for work, keep them on your schedule. If you don't have to work, pick a time you want them up by each day and let them know.

Once you have set the Rise and Shine time, think about what  the day should look like for your student. To help reduce summer loss the school provides books to students with incentives to complete the books. When my now fourth grader was in kindergarten we started our summer routine right away. We would eat breakfast together and then work on about 4-5 pages from her summer learning book. We started the day with education (that's how I saw it...she saw as it as "getting it over and done with fast to move on!).

I am a fan of reading and love to have a stack of summer books to read. Create a summer reading list for your student. Encourage them with small rewards. Or make screen time contingent on how many pages they read a day. If your local library is open, take a field trip each week to check our new books. Encourage trying a non-fiction or poetry book. 

Have your student get some addresses from their friends and create cards to send. Maybe even start a "pen-pal" for the summer writing activity.

At a lose for creative educational ideas, ask a teacher. Take time to ask your student's teacher from this year or reach out to the next grade and learn some ideas. Get crafty and ask the art teacher for some ideas!

Not every day will be fun, warm, and full of sun. Make sure to have some board games on hand for rainy days. Or try a puzzle. Puzzle are a great way to build skills such as; working together, sorting, organizing, logic, and visualization of a finished project.

Don't forget the responsibilities. Children moan and groan when it's chore time, but that is just fine. Chores teach responsibility, service toward others, helping out, caring, and of course learning to clean and care for others (such as pets). Chores can be a morning task or a night task. In my house, if you want to have screen time after dinner, you clear the table, sweep the floor, feed the animals and ask what else needs to be done (such as unloading or loading the dishwasher). I also have a great rule in my house...on laundry day, if you wake up after the last load is in the dryer...you do your own. I only wash the clothes that are by the washer before the last load is cleaned. My teenaged son is good at doing his own laundry, he has to be, he never wakes up on time.

A summer full of mindfulness for you, as the adult, is finding time for self-care. That means taking time to put a little structure into your day. 

We Care

 

It can be inspiring to hear a lecture from a dynamic speaker. You may learn a lot and feel empowered to improve an area of your life. But what it, after you listened to the presentation, you learned that the speaker was only in it for the money and didn't care how your life turns out? You would feel a dramatic drop in how much emphasis you placed on their words.

Intent matters.

When were practice mindfulness we are showing ourselves how much we care about our bodies. When we teach mindfulness we are showing how much we care about the mental and physical health of others. 

We've talked before about Metta Mindfulness, also called Loving-Kindness Meditation. This is by  far my favorite way to be mindful. This helps me center myself on what matters and find a sense of peace in chaos.

Loving-Kindness Mindful Mediation is multi-layered. It starts easy, increases in extending love and kindness, and then challenges us beyond what we might feel capable of feeling. 

I heard a story today while listening to a podcast and I was struck with the idea that we can let go of so much pain and hate and live a life of peace. The Nobel Prize winning Psychologist Daniel Kahneman was a young Jewish child growing up in Nazi occupied Paris, France during World War 2. Daniel tells a story of being seven years old, wearing the Star of David and being out past curfew. He does not have anger in his voice. He does not tell the story filled with hate. Rather he tells the story and ends with the idea that people are complex. 

I encourage you to look it up or listen to the podcast Experts on Experts with Dax Shepard.

Daniel reminds us that people are complex. In the podcast Daniel comments that Hitler loved dogs. You might ask yourself, "how can he say something so kind about such an evil man?" Daniel would answer, people are complex.

I am in awe of the way Daniel can speak of his life and am inspired to do better when I spend time engaged in Metta Mindfulness. 

Metta (Loving-Kindness) Mindful Meditation asks us to start with self-love. For some this may be the most challenging, for a lot of us, it is the easiest. Send yourself a wish each day. 

I wish for myself to have a day filled with peaceful moments, no matter how small, and may I recognize them, acknowledge them, and list them as a gratitude. 

The next step for Loving-Kindness is to extend a wish or hope for someone we care about. Think of a friend, family member, a loved one. Send them some kindness today.

Today I wish for my daughter to have a day filled with learning, fun with friends, and a quiet moment to rest.

This last step challenges us. This last step asks us to let go of anger, hate, and grudges. This last step ask us to bring to mind someone that we do not like, do not get along with, and someone we may even strongly detest. Send them a wish and some loving-kindness.

This is a challenge.

This will lighten your heart and put you in a better mood.

Try it.

Today I wish for the mother of my step-children to have a day filled with love, kindness, and peace. 

Today I wish my sister to have a day without conflict at home or work, may she know a day of peace and love, and may we work toward repairing our relationship.

It is not easy to think these things and mean them. But once you do, it is mood altering, for the better.

I would like to extend some Loving-Kindness to our parents, adults in the lives of our students, and families. 

Today I wish you all a day of cool comfort, peaceful moments, and rest. May your weekend start with a smile and fun. May you enjoy small and simple moments. And may you find time to practice some Metta Mediation. 

The Power of NO

You may never admit this to anyone but yourself, so I'll admit it here, for all of us. Parenting is hard. And sometimes it feels as if we are a hostage negotiator and our child a kidnapper. Our children have kidnapped our peace and quiet, our sanity, our hope for a good night sleep. We spent a great deal of our time negotiating with our  children to get back just one piece of our  sanity.

Once we admit that we are in a high stakes negotiation with our children, we can learn how to outsmart them and win.

Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator and author of the book, Never Split the Difference, can teach us a lot about the brain and how to better use it for parenting. 

In a podcast with Dax Shepard on Experts on Experts, Chris shares that there are times we need an immediate answer from someone, especially our children.

Chris explains that our brains are programed to want to say "no" and we can leverage this by asking our children no orientated questions. The examples he gave were:

Is it ridiculous...?

Would it be horrible...?

Is it a bad idea...?

When talking with your children about homework.... "Is it a bad idea to do your homework?"... No

Another good one to use with children is:

Have you given up on....?

Have you given up on your math?

This last question trigger what psychology calls the Prospect Theory. This is the idea of aversion of loss. Our brains want to say no because we want to avoid the loss. Our brains will always try to make the choice that avoids loss.

When we think about mindfulness, we think about breathing and mediation. These are two important aspects of mindfulness. They are not the only aspects. Mindfulness is a state of full presences and awareness of a situation, surrounds, and feelings. 

Using no orientated questions can keep you in the moment and not peering into the future. Let's not talk about how we need math in the future. (We do, but kids just don't care.) Ask your child if they have given up on this moment, this task, this present moment. Keep your child and yourself in the moment and move from one moment to the next. 

The is also great power in saying no to your children. Our brains long for structure, routine, and boundaries. Make sure you are not just getting the answer no from your children, but that you are also giving the answer no too.

Self-Care Matters

 

On Mindful.org they talk about Mindfulness for Parents. One line stood out to me and really resonated with my own life. "What parents need is help walking with, instead of struggling against, their pain, confusion, and doubt."

Don't forget about your relationship with yourself and taking time to take care of yourself. 

As a parent or caregiver of a child, you will inevitably experience pain, heartache, loss, frustration, and confusion. Mindfulness as a daily practice can help you feel those feelings, let them exist, pass through, and then help you move on.

In the Mindful.org article they share a great parent mindfulness called N.A.P. What parent is not in need of a nap? I know I could use one right now. It's a rainy Monday, a nap sure sounds good.

A mindfulness nap is something more and can help you work with, not against, feelings.

N.A.P

1. Notice and observe the painful sensations in your body and any accompanying thoughts as they show up.
2. Allow it all to be just as it is, without trying to change anything.
3. Pass the pain on through, rest into the moment until your painful thoughts and feelings pass through and away from you.

This practice talks about painful thoughts; these thoughts could be a frustration with your child and schooling, a child being hurt, a child growing out of the phase where they spend time with you, a child becoming a teen and being angry or mean, and so on. So many things could be viewed as pain when you are thinking about the challenges of parenting.

If you continue to explore mindful.org you will come to anther article on parenting and mindfulness. There is one from 2019 that talks about giving space. Space between an event and a reaction. Mindfulness teaches us to sit with the present moment, breath through the situation, accept it as is, and then address how it could be changed.

It is easy to react to a child. We meet chaos with chaos. We try to extinguish yelling with more yelling. We expect calm when we show anger. We need to be the clam when our children experience chaos. Be the safe port of harbor in the storm of life. Guide them in with light and protection. 

Mindfulness isn't simply about how to calmly parent your children, but it is also learning how to be mindful of other parents. Others may yet to reach the mindful space you have created for yourself and your household. Being open to understanding the chaos in others may help you identify your own chaos which has be left unattended. 

Try a mindfulness app Headspace or Calm. There are many others, these are the two that I find are good go-to to start out your practice.