The Power of NO

You may never admit this to anyone but yourself, so I'll admit it here, for all of us. Parenting is hard. And sometimes it feels as if we are a hostage negotiator and our child a kidnapper. Our children have kidnapped our peace and quiet, our sanity, our hope for a good night sleep. We spent a great deal of our time negotiating with our  children to get back just one piece of our  sanity.

Once we admit that we are in a high stakes negotiation with our children, we can learn how to outsmart them and win.

Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator and author of the book, Never Split the Difference, can teach us a lot about the brain and how to better use it for parenting. 

In a podcast with Dax Shepard on Experts on Experts, Chris shares that there are times we need an immediate answer from someone, especially our children.

Chris explains that our brains are programed to want to say "no" and we can leverage this by asking our children no orientated questions. The examples he gave were:

Is it ridiculous...?

Would it be horrible...?

Is it a bad idea...?

When talking with your children about homework.... "Is it a bad idea to do your homework?"... No

Another good one to use with children is:

Have you given up on....?

Have you given up on your math?

This last question trigger what psychology calls the Prospect Theory. This is the idea of aversion of loss. Our brains want to say no because we want to avoid the loss. Our brains will always try to make the choice that avoids loss.

When we think about mindfulness, we think about breathing and mediation. These are two important aspects of mindfulness. They are not the only aspects. Mindfulness is a state of full presences and awareness of a situation, surrounds, and feelings. 

Using no orientated questions can keep you in the moment and not peering into the future. Let's not talk about how we need math in the future. (We do, but kids just don't care.) Ask your child if they have given up on this moment, this task, this present moment. Keep your child and yourself in the moment and move from one moment to the next. 

The is also great power in saying no to your children. Our brains long for structure, routine, and boundaries. Make sure you are not just getting the answer no from your children, but that you are also giving the answer no too.