We Care

 

It can be inspiring to hear a lecture from a dynamic speaker. You may learn a lot and feel empowered to improve an area of your life. But what it, after you listened to the presentation, you learned that the speaker was only in it for the money and didn't care how your life turns out? You would feel a dramatic drop in how much emphasis you placed on their words.

Intent matters.

When were practice mindfulness we are showing ourselves how much we care about our bodies. When we teach mindfulness we are showing how much we care about the mental and physical health of others. 

We've talked before about Metta Mindfulness, also called Loving-Kindness Meditation. This is by  far my favorite way to be mindful. This helps me center myself on what matters and find a sense of peace in chaos.

Loving-Kindness Mindful Mediation is multi-layered. It starts easy, increases in extending love and kindness, and then challenges us beyond what we might feel capable of feeling. 

I heard a story today while listening to a podcast and I was struck with the idea that we can let go of so much pain and hate and live a life of peace. The Nobel Prize winning Psychologist Daniel Kahneman was a young Jewish child growing up in Nazi occupied Paris, France during World War 2. Daniel tells a story of being seven years old, wearing the Star of David and being out past curfew. He does not have anger in his voice. He does not tell the story filled with hate. Rather he tells the story and ends with the idea that people are complex. 

I encourage you to look it up or listen to the podcast Experts on Experts with Dax Shepard.

Daniel reminds us that people are complex. In the podcast Daniel comments that Hitler loved dogs. You might ask yourself, "how can he say something so kind about such an evil man?" Daniel would answer, people are complex.

I am in awe of the way Daniel can speak of his life and am inspired to do better when I spend time engaged in Metta Mindfulness. 

Metta (Loving-Kindness) Mindful Meditation asks us to start with self-love. For some this may be the most challenging, for a lot of us, it is the easiest. Send yourself a wish each day. 

I wish for myself to have a day filled with peaceful moments, no matter how small, and may I recognize them, acknowledge them, and list them as a gratitude. 

The next step for Loving-Kindness is to extend a wish or hope for someone we care about. Think of a friend, family member, a loved one. Send them some kindness today.

Today I wish for my daughter to have a day filled with learning, fun with friends, and a quiet moment to rest.

This last step challenges us. This last step asks us to let go of anger, hate, and grudges. This last step ask us to bring to mind someone that we do not like, do not get along with, and someone we may even strongly detest. Send them a wish and some loving-kindness.

This is a challenge.

This will lighten your heart and put you in a better mood.

Try it.

Today I wish for the mother of my step-children to have a day filled with love, kindness, and peace. 

Today I wish my sister to have a day without conflict at home or work, may she know a day of peace and love, and may we work toward repairing our relationship.

It is not easy to think these things and mean them. But once you do, it is mood altering, for the better.

I would like to extend some Loving-Kindness to our parents, adults in the lives of our students, and families. 

Today I wish you all a day of cool comfort, peaceful moments, and rest. May your weekend start with a smile and fun. May you enjoy small and simple moments. And may you find time to practice some Metta Mediation. 

The Power of NO

You may never admit this to anyone but yourself, so I'll admit it here, for all of us. Parenting is hard. And sometimes it feels as if we are a hostage negotiator and our child a kidnapper. Our children have kidnapped our peace and quiet, our sanity, our hope for a good night sleep. We spent a great deal of our time negotiating with our  children to get back just one piece of our  sanity.

Once we admit that we are in a high stakes negotiation with our children, we can learn how to outsmart them and win.

Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator and author of the book, Never Split the Difference, can teach us a lot about the brain and how to better use it for parenting. 

In a podcast with Dax Shepard on Experts on Experts, Chris shares that there are times we need an immediate answer from someone, especially our children.

Chris explains that our brains are programed to want to say "no" and we can leverage this by asking our children no orientated questions. The examples he gave were:

Is it ridiculous...?

Would it be horrible...?

Is it a bad idea...?

When talking with your children about homework.... "Is it a bad idea to do your homework?"... No

Another good one to use with children is:

Have you given up on....?

Have you given up on your math?

This last question trigger what psychology calls the Prospect Theory. This is the idea of aversion of loss. Our brains want to say no because we want to avoid the loss. Our brains will always try to make the choice that avoids loss.

When we think about mindfulness, we think about breathing and mediation. These are two important aspects of mindfulness. They are not the only aspects. Mindfulness is a state of full presences and awareness of a situation, surrounds, and feelings. 

Using no orientated questions can keep you in the moment and not peering into the future. Let's not talk about how we need math in the future. (We do, but kids just don't care.) Ask your child if they have given up on this moment, this task, this present moment. Keep your child and yourself in the moment and move from one moment to the next. 

The is also great power in saying no to your children. Our brains long for structure, routine, and boundaries. Make sure you are not just getting the answer no from your children, but that you are also giving the answer no too.

Self-Care Matters

 

On Mindful.org they talk about Mindfulness for Parents. One line stood out to me and really resonated with my own life. "What parents need is help walking with, instead of struggling against, their pain, confusion, and doubt."

Don't forget about your relationship with yourself and taking time to take care of yourself. 

As a parent or caregiver of a child, you will inevitably experience pain, heartache, loss, frustration, and confusion. Mindfulness as a daily practice can help you feel those feelings, let them exist, pass through, and then help you move on.

In the Mindful.org article they share a great parent mindfulness called N.A.P. What parent is not in need of a nap? I know I could use one right now. It's a rainy Monday, a nap sure sounds good.

A mindfulness nap is something more and can help you work with, not against, feelings.

N.A.P

1. Notice and observe the painful sensations in your body and any accompanying thoughts as they show up.
2. Allow it all to be just as it is, without trying to change anything.
3. Pass the pain on through, rest into the moment until your painful thoughts and feelings pass through and away from you.

This practice talks about painful thoughts; these thoughts could be a frustration with your child and schooling, a child being hurt, a child growing out of the phase where they spend time with you, a child becoming a teen and being angry or mean, and so on. So many things could be viewed as pain when you are thinking about the challenges of parenting.

If you continue to explore mindful.org you will come to anther article on parenting and mindfulness. There is one from 2019 that talks about giving space. Space between an event and a reaction. Mindfulness teaches us to sit with the present moment, breath through the situation, accept it as is, and then address how it could be changed.

It is easy to react to a child. We meet chaos with chaos. We try to extinguish yelling with more yelling. We expect calm when we show anger. We need to be the clam when our children experience chaos. Be the safe port of harbor in the storm of life. Guide them in with light and protection. 

Mindfulness isn't simply about how to calmly parent your children, but it is also learning how to be mindful of other parents. Others may yet to reach the mindful space you have created for yourself and your household. Being open to understanding the chaos in others may help you identify your own chaos which has be left unattended. 

Try a mindfulness app Headspace or Calm. There are many others, these are the two that I find are good go-to to start out your practice.